


You still have all of me

by GalaxyPixel



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Death, Flashbacks, M/M, Memories, Poor Spock, Song fic, vulcans live long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 09:42:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25847521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalaxyPixel/pseuds/GalaxyPixel
Summary: Vulcans live longer than humans. There will be a day where Spock outlives Leonard, and he only has some memories to remember him by.
Relationships: Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	You still have all of me

**Author's Note:**

> I listened way too much to the song on repeat, and this idea just came to me. I am not sorry at all, so hope you enjoy!

Spock walked home swiftly. He kept his eyes on the road, not looking at the people around him or the landscape. He knew the medical building Leonard worked at for years was on his right. He knew that Starfleet Academy was on his left, where they both worked together for years. First as CMO and First Officer on The Enterprise, much later as Admirals. He also knew that if he went in either of those buildings he would come across people who would want him to tell them about Leonard. Because Leonard was loved by people, and he had done so much good in the hospital that people missed him. They didn't understand that Vulcans feel the emotion of missing too. Just much deeper.

Spock went right at the crossroad instead of left. He knew it was a longer walk this way, but since Leonard was gone he walked this route. This way he would avoid the dorms of Starfleet Academy, where Joanna was living. He would avoid going past Jim's house, or the restaurant he and Leonard often visited. Spock wished he could just move away from earth, but even on New Vulcan, there were traces of Leonard. The doctor was known there for being the one human who helped with creating a vaccine for a Vulcan disease that was thought to be untreatable.

Spock decided to stay in the Admiralty, to do his job. Leonard would have wanted that, even though Spock just wanted to run from everything that reminded him of Leonard.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone

\----------------------------------------------------------

Spock held Leonard close. The doctor lost an ensign on his surgery table today. The fact that the ensign was young didn't help either. So now Spock held Leonard close, while the man cried in his arms. Spock held him until he was done crying, then wiped away his tears and kissed his cheeks. 'You did your best, ashayam. Their family knows.'

Leonard kept thrashing around in bed. Spock sat up and after determining that Leonard was having a nightmare, he decided to help him. His husband should not suffer from a nightmare, not if Spock could help it. He slowly woke Leonard, slowly brought him back to the real world. When Leonard was awake enough to give his permission for a mind-meld, Spock showed him that it was a nightmare and that in the real world Spock loved him very much. He sent his love and admiration through the bond, calming Leonard at the same time.

Spock was glad there were no other Vulcans around them. Some of the crewmembers might know about Vulcans and their hands, but Spock did not care. They were not here at the moment, so only he and Leonard knew the significance of their hand-holding. Spock was very glad for it because it made him feel connected to his human side. And if he also got some pleasure from it, well, only Leonard would know, right?

\---------------------------------------------

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Spock looked at the medical journals in his house and thought about what drew him to Leonard. Their bickering was their way of flirting. He liked the intellectual conversations with the doctor, not only about the medical field but also on the things the doctor liked to read about for fun. How they could team up together and go against Jim since the captain needed that sometimes. How Leonard would do everything for his patients. He did not want to hear a bad thing about any of the crew, and he was the best doctor they had.

Spock spends the rest of the week alone. He has no meetings and no other obligations to get him out of the house. He still has plenty of food, and his friends and family are busy. So he is all alone. In a house he used to share with Leonard. Sometimes he cursed the fact that Vulcans lived much longer than humans. Why could everything not just have the same life expectancy?

For the first time in a long time Spock dreams. He dreams about Leonard and him. Of their wedding, the party they had. The dates they went on, that time on Risa IV they were alone. When he wakes up and opens his PADD he finds a file that he doesn't recognize. When he opens it he realizes that Leonard made the file. It's a file of the holos that Leonard made of them together. When they baked a cake for Jim's birthday, or when they had a debate about the difference between human and Vulcan healing. Apparently Leonard had filmed that.

The rest of the week is spent at home, watching holos of the two of them together.

\-------------------------------------------

You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

\---------------------------------------------------

Spock is working again, but he is less efficient than he used to be. Before he lost Leonard, he was 87.365% more efficient in his work than his co-workers. Now he is only 10.463% more efficient than them. Which means that he is working slower than normal. He is still impacted by Leonard being gone.

Leonard is in sickbay. He decided to test an antidote of a virus on himself, instead of going through with the right procedure. According to Leonard that took way too long, so he decided to just test it on himself. It worked because his body accepted the vaccine, but it also meant Leonard got sick. Since he wasn't infected with the virus in the first place, he got sick from the antidote, instead of it making him better. The side effect, besides Leonard lying in sickbay and not being allowed to work, was that it made him more emotional. When Spock entered the room Leonard was in, he saw him crying. If it was from pain or frustration of not being allowed to work, Spock did not know. But he wouldn't look at his husband and see him cry. He quickly sat next to Leonard on the bed and wiped his tears away.

Leonard screamed. He never screamed, so it must be serious. Spock looked confused at Leonard, since they were in their quarters, what could there possibly be to scream about? They were not being attacked, and the captain was not here with an injury that would make Leonard scream like that. When Leonard stared at Spock and pointed at the thing that made him scream, Spock realized something. Even the greatest doctors had fears, and the fear of this one was spiders. Leonard would not even accept the fact that Spock would release the spider somewhere else, he needed to kill the animal and show the proof to Leonard. Only then was he calmed down. Spock did not think too long about the illogical action, they were both much bigger than the spider, but he knew humans sometimes just were illogical beings.

\-----------------------------------------------

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me

\-------------------------------------------------------

Spock went home early, again. This was the third time this week he could not focus on his work and kept getting distracted. Leonard had been gone for a couple of months now, but Spock still had trouble concentrating. His meditation schedule was almost nonexistent, and his contact with his friends was slowly fading away. Spock realized that it was not healthy, but every time he saw one of his friends, he was reminded of what Leonard thought of them and how they missed Leonard too.

Jim was doing his best to help Spock. He made sure they had lunch together, so Spock had company, and they both ate something. Leonard wasn't there anymore to remind them of that fact. He was not there to rant about the safety of transporters, or shuttles. He couldn't complain about how reckless the new cadets were, and how little respect they had for admirals. He wasn't there for any of it. And everywhere Spock walked on campus, or in the city, he was reminded of that fact.

He tried so hard to make his body realize Leonard was dead, but every time someone mentioned the doctor, his body would search for the bond. Their mental link was gone, and Spock didn't want to meditate anymore. He saw the tree in his mind that had been the connection to Leonard's mind. But now, it was just a reminder of the bond they had. Spock was alone, without a mate, without a husband. Jim was not the same at all. Leonard and Jim were both human, and Starfleet Admirals, but that was the end of their comparison.

\---------------------------------------------------

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Spock stared at the doors, they stood between him and doctor McCoy. After the destruction of the Narada, and the rescue of captain Pike, Spock felt numb. He lost his mother, and his planet, and he has not felt the emotions of loss yet. He knew they would come, and he wanted to ask the doctor if he could take the next two days off shift on medical leave. Since they were slowly travelling back to earth, Spock did not think it was a problem. He entered the office of the CMO and looked at the doctor. Who had not looked up from his desk yet, he clearly had not heard the doors swish open. Maybe he was too focused on his tasks as CMO to pay any attention to the door. But when Spock looked better, he realized it was because the doctor was crying. An emotional sad person never pays much attention to their surroundings. Even though Spock did not know the doctor for long, he could not stand to see the man sad. He did not know why, but the thought that the doctor was sad was unsettling to him. He walked closer, and when the doctor raised his head he saw the tears on his face. The doctor was filled with grief for a planet that was not his but was lost anyways. Spock wiped away the tears on the man’s face. He held him close and decided they would grief together for Vulcan.

When Spock heard the screams he focused even more on Khan. Doctor McCoy said that he would be able to save Jim if he had Khan alive. He needed his blood, but not all of it. So Spock took great pleasure in hurting the man. He hurt Jim, he wanted to hurt everyone on earth, and he hurt Leonard. And Spock did not like that at all. So he fought with everything he had, to get Khan alive back to the ship.

When Spock sat next to Leonard, when he was close to dying, he held his hand. They held hands lots of times during their lives. This would be the last time though. Because after Leonard was gone, Spock would have no one to hold hands with anymore. Leonard was the only one for him, so this would be the last time they held hands.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me, me, me

\----------------------------------------------------

'Spock, I love you.' Leonard was the first who said it. He was the more emotional one out of the two of them. So it made sense he would be the first to say it. Spock raised an eyebrow and held his fingers out for a kiss, Leonard would know what it meant. Because Spock wasn't ready to say it yet, but it didn't mean that he did not love Leonard.

Leonard looked up to Spock. He was close to dying, he could feel it. He didn't want to leave the world without letting Spock know what he meant to him. So he asked for one last mind-meld with Spock.  
When Spock pulled his hand away from Leonard's face he could still feel the love the other man showed him. He looked down at his husband and grabbed his hand. Just when Leonard closed his eyes and took his last breaths, Spock spoke the last words Leonard would hear.

'I love you, ashayam.'

**Author's Note:**

> The song used is My Immortal from Evanescence.


End file.
